he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
