Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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