sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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