You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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