fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
