I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
