How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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