thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
