JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
