Can i not drive my cunt home
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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