he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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