In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
