I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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