I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
