i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think my fart just growled at me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
