I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gay?
German.
Pity.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize