I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
