I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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