Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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