Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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