Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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