david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
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GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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