hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
