Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
