It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I deserve this hangover.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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