I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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