I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
