i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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