my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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