Have you finally orgasmed yet?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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