out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
