ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
