I faked an abortion last night.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
