Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
