no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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