Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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