my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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