Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
