Are we in a gay sports bar?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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