Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
