I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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