i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
