That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
