me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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