Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
