fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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