Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He felt like a one man threesome
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
