I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
