At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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