saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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