So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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