so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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