the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
