You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
