I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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