I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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