I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
