Betty ford says i'm here all night
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
