they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
